Your child’s behaviour might have changed and be ‘out of character’, behaviour is your child’s way of trying to telling you how distressed they are. They may not be able to verbalise this so they trying to show you.
Beneath every behaviour there is a feeling,
And beneath each feeling there is a need,
And when we meet that need rather than focus on the behaviour, we begin to deal with the cause not the symptom.
Ashleigh Warner, Psychotherapist
Being sexually abused can and does traumatise children and as a result they may show emotional, behavioural or physical signs.
It may also mean that they appear fine one moment and the next they have an emotional or behaviour outburst, e.g. they suddenly become angry / aggressive / crying etc. with no apparent trigger.
They may also be displaying behaviours that would seem more appropriate for a much younger child, e.g. a 10 year old throwing a tantrum like a 2 year old. They are simply trying to stay alive in a world that their brain is telling them is dangerous, even if they are safe now.
While they are stuck in survival mode they will find it very difficult to manage their emotions or behaviour, concentrate, think, explain things in words or learn because the part of the brain responsible for these functions is not working properly due to the trauma.
Not wanting to be physically affectionate
It may be that your child does not want to be hugged or kissed by you or other relatives/friends. This does not reflect on how much they love you or their other relatives. Encouraging choice and allowing children to say ‘no’ to physical contact if they don’t want it can be very empowering.
It also may be that you are not sure if you can still hug or kiss after they have experienced sexual abuse. In both cases, asking ‘do you want a hug’ or ‘can I give you a cuddle’ and accepting both ‘yes’ or ‘no’ as an answer can be a way to show your child you love them and want to be affectionate towards them but are being respectful of their body boundaries.
The brain reacts to ‘toxic stress’ that they have suffered. It can sometimes be called a ‘threat’ response or a ‘panic alarm’ response. The body has gone into survival mode.
Although upsetting, challenging, frustrating, worrying and possibly overwhelming for the adults around them, these reactions are natural and normal. They are the brains safety mechanisms that helps it manage the trauma they have experienced. This is the reason they may appear to be playing up or behaving unusually/badly.
The problem for traumatised children is that when they are safe and the abuse is over, the trauma does not ‘turn off’, the child stays continuously in survival mode. This means that normal every-day things such as certain events, sounds, smells, sights, places, people and sensations signal danger to their brain which can lead them to become emotionally overwhelmed and having a ‘melt down’.
For much more information on the ‘Toxic stress response’ see page 15-17 of our parent’s guide.
Barnardo's is a charity (216250 / SC037605) and a company limited by guarantee.
(61625 England - see the governing document). Registered office: Tanners Lane, Barkingside, Ilford, Essex IG6 1QG | VAT number 507477337
© 2021 Copyright, Barnardo's